My Toughest Critic

I've always been my own worst critic. I see where I could have done more, better, faster. It is easy to find my own shortcomings, to tell myself I should be accomplishing more. It comes naturally to me and I have to work at giving myself a break. Going easy on myself is not an easy thing to do.

What brings this up? For the past week or so, I've been tired. Exhausted. Get out of bed, let the dogs out, pour myself a bowl of cereal, and then be too tired to eat it exhausted. Too tired to blow dry my hair after washing it exhausted. I've been forcing myself to accomplish even the smallest things like doing laundry or dishes or taking the trash to the dump, telling myself I'm not allowed to just sleep all day or laze around on the couch. I've also been making myself take the dogs out for our daily 3-5 mile walks. It is very unusual for me to not want to go, but I haven't. I've been TIRED. And I've been telling myself I'm not allowed to be tired. I'm not allowed to be unproductive. I'm not allowed to be LAZY (the worst four letter word ever according to my mom).

Saturday I got shaky and dizzy. I told myself I just hadn't had enough protein and exercise. I had some lunch meat and took the dogs out to one of the battlefields. About 2 miles into our walk (that would be 2 miles AWAY from the car), I got shaky and clammy and so weak I had to sit down on a log so that I didn't fall down. It was then that I realized that I'm not being LAZY, I'm SICK (yet another four letter word). And I've been trying to get sick for over a week but my brain refused to listen to my body. 

I'm finally listening. Sunday I did nothing for most of the day in order to conserve enough energy to greet all of the ghosties and goblins with candy. Today I have done nothing productive. That's right, absolutely nothing. I have surfed the web with no real purpose in mind, flipped through a couple of magazines without actually reading them, and taken several naps - oh, and I cooked some dinner & made tea. Tomorrow I will go out to VOTE and then I will proceed to come home and take a nap. Perhaps drink some more hot tea. Hopefully by telling you all that my goal is to concentrate on doing NOTHING and allow myself to fight this bug, I'll actually stop beating myself up and relax.
________________________________________________________________________

I've failed already. I couldn't even sit on my couch with my blankie and tea and be sick long enough for this blog to post. Actually, it's the tea's fault. I ran out. Well, the cupboard had plenty, but my cup was empty. So I got up to make some. And, while up, I remembered that I had chicken in the fridge that really needed to be put in some marinade sauce because if it doesn't get cooked tomorrow the cat's gonna end up getting to eat it. Then I figured it wouldn't hurt any to do the dishes. After all, the dishwasher is going to be doing most of the work. Along the same lines, it wouldn't hurt to put a load of laundry in the washer either. You know, since I was up. Off to the closet I headed to dig clothes out of the hamper. And that's where my whole, "while I was up" thinking came to an abrupt halt. Because... I was suddenly no longer "up". I fell over. In my closet. One of the dogs came to rescue me - evidently doggie kisses help fix any situation. So, NOW I am back on the couch with my blankie and a cup of of Alkaseltzer Nightime Cold & Flu. I don't know if it'll make me feel better, but I do know that it'll knock my *ss out so that I don't end up falling over in the closet again tonight.